I'm blogging now because Rye is with my mother tonight.
I'm blogging now because Yida is out washing his car at this hour so that she can be of best form at his bestie's wedding dinner.
No, this is not the freedom i'm talking about.
This freedom is something i have been having ever since i moved to my new place.
A place called home.
A place where i can control every single element of my environment.
A place where i come back to at the end of the day, enjoying all private moments with my pets and men.
A place where i can swiftly throw my stuff on my table and sit with my legs open on the counch.
A place where no judgement is passed on me.
A place where i can house all my pets
A place where i can give my pets the best welfare i could afford.
This place of mine will eventually be out of sight, feel and touch in months to come. It's depressing. I could weep while typing this. A space which i wished for so many years to escape from naggings and judgement. You could have guess it. My MIL is moving in with me. PIL are going through a divorce very soon. She will be too lonely to stay by herself which allow her to have time to get her thoughts run wild.
I knew how hard she took to bring up both sons.
I knew the man i married would not be him if it's not for her.
I knew how tough it is for her to go through this at her fragile age.
I knew we are the only ones with roof above us stabily in a sense.
I knew this is coming.
I knew this was the best arrangements.
I knew i should let Yida fulfil his piety to his mother.
I knew as a woman i should support her.
But my emotions and rational thinking didn't agree with each other. I'm sure you can list out every rational reason for taking her in. But who can really really understand my emotions?
I have been judge over and over when i stayed at his place. Judge on how he is being taken care, how i do housework, how am i able to cook...... you name it i have it. Just when i was just starting to enjoy every single day of my HOME, that bastard FIL had to come out with 'colourful' stunts. First to devour my MIL peaceful life and then my own space. I have no idea what this will bring me to. I did told her 'give him up and stay over at my place'. I thought about what i said several days and yida would use that against me many times.
I'm really sad. My mum didn't give any words of encouragement, more like wet blanket thrown right at my face. ICY COLD. I thought of many many things/rules i could to make sure i don't compromise to the quality of my life in future. Thoughts are thoughts, they don't feel.
I had this burning question in me and finally asked Yida.
"Does that means that we would never ever have a space of our own like the past 8 months ever again? For the next thirty years?" The question was replied by a long pause. I knew the answer.
My struggle is not easy at all. I'm a mother, i know how she feel when her sons are so supportive in arranging her welfare. But i'm also at the age where those quality time with my men will never recover in thirty years time. Deep down inside me i know it's for the right cause. I know i know. Time is all i need.
I cannot promise i would be as happy as before. I will try to look positively in whatever things which may come with her staying with us. But humans are humans, we just need ONE negative incident to strike us down and probable put us even further away from the starting line. Yida is not having an easy time. He's torn apart by his mother and wife while i'm torn apart by the status of being a woman and the owner of the propety.
I'm really struggling very hard. To be frank, i haven't feel like i lost something for the longest time.I will never be able to walk around in my undies around the house. I will never speak freely in my house. There will be alot of 'I will never'. That's cause it's all negativity. But this has to come and i guess when time is ripe, there would be more posts here.
I hope universal knowledge could give me some directions.
Labels: Family
Twinkling@
9/19/2011 11:11:00 PM
