When it made past the 6 months mark, i was extremely proud of myself. Yet i can't annouce it due to some beliefs. Before this module started, i was half worried it may clash in somewhere. Ever since the last episode, i swear i have been a very good girl. Slept at almost same time and wake up early be it weekends or weekdays. No late nights for me (mayb 3 of them out of six months?), no liquor for me. I did all i could to help myself.

It sank in on his convocation. The weird kind of feeling was nothing words can be used to describe. The first thing that hit my mind was my final exam. I was worried yet i want to keep it to myself. That weirdest feeling got worse on Friday coz i could just doze off in the car with a snap of finger. Dinner was tasteless. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore and annouce it to my significant other. I even told him not to anticipate it as i am trying hard. For last thing i remember was me sleeping with my notes from 7pm to 7pm next day. What appeared on my notes became nothing i can comprehend. I knew that was it! I even tried talking to him about the happy things we went through in our relationship, hoping to keep that little flame in me burning. Sadly, it didn't work. I remembered i slept a full three days.

On Monday, i left my colleagues in lurch on an extremely busy day where two humans were impossible for the job. I left them there while i got bounded by the bed devil. I cried as usual for being helpless. I was all in that scary world again. Yida helped me defer my exam, arrange to see neuro. A big part of me wanted to finish the exam asap. I tot i did well to prevent it from coming.

I tot so.
I tot so.
I tot so.

I became dependant on people. I became mute. I became numb. I became helpless. I became retarded.

I just hope to be myself again. If what i have done for the past 6 months earned me a month of myself in extra, i will keep trying and trying.

Labels: Relapse

Twinkling@
7/29/2008 05:22:00 PM