FieFie & DaDa

* Thursday, May 29, 2008 *

He smsed me at 920pm informing me that he will be home by 1030pm.
I saw the msg and felt nothing.
Coz i dun wan to be disappointed.
At 1054pm, he smsed that his friend lost his way, now trying to find his way back.
At 1120pm, no sign of him.
I told April and Iris i am going to sleep coz i don't wan to face him.
At 1130pm, he called my hp. I never pick up coz i was in bed sleeping.
His mum came into the room with the house phone.
I have no choice but answered.
He was dropped off at City Hall coz dun wan to waste time to find his way home in his frd's car.
Told me he couldn't get a cab, felt so stranded.
My reply was "I am sleeping, bye."

Think around midnight, i heard my girl's bell ringing.
Someone was opening the gate.
It was him.
No excitement.
Nothing after so many days of no contact.
Or maybe purely smses and no quality 5 mins calls?
I continued to sleep, closing my eyes tightly, hoping he don't come and wake me up.
I don't wan to face him.

Don't want to face him unhappily coz it was not his fault to work.
Don't want to face him coz i can't possibly feel nothing towards his late nights.
Don't want to face him coz i can't hide my emotions.
Don't want to face him coz i don't want to see him.
Don't want to face him coz i don't want to talk to him.
I don't want to get use to him again.
Just let him be foreign to me which will make my life less miserable.

I'm trying very hard not to revolve around his knock off time.
I made myself vulnerable again by asking him if he will knock off by 7pm.
Half hoping to join him for walk later.
He said sure earlier than yday.
I was stupid.
Total stupidity to be slightly happier for that 1 hour.

It was all false hope.
My bubble burst.
My disappointment once again inundated me.
I feel miserable again.
Once again.

I dare not hope anymore.
Maybe what i did yday was right.
It was all for self protection.

Labels: Rants

Twinkling@
5/29/2008 08:02:00 PM

1 Comments:

*hugs*

I'm sorry there isn't anything I can do or say to make you feel better. It's a horrible feeling, I know. I was a crazy psychotic bitch in Tasmania once, nothing I can do or anything other people say can make me feel any better.

Alot of people have been telling me to be strong or treat this as a test or be more understanding and all that rubbish. All I can say is I don't give a shit about all that crap, I just want to feel better. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to be stronger, I don't need tests on my relationship and I don't want to be more understanding.

But I do know I want my relationship to survive this, I'm sure your relationship means so much more for you to give up trying because of the nights you don't get to see him, because of the days you don't hear from him.

He may not be able to spend as much time as before but I'm sure if you try, you'll find ways to cope. Remember the late nights I stayed up in Aussie waiting for Eugene to come back from ice hockey? It's 3am on my side before we can even start chatting. It is frustrating at times but I if I were to choose again I will still wait cuz I respect him I respect his games. Yes it's tough but there always is a choice.

I can't tell you exactly how to find the extra strength to forgive him for not being there, perhaps try to think of the times he was there? Like the times you go through your relapse, he was there all the time even thou you can't chat with him, go out with him and such.

I may not be the best person to advise you, I never found the way out of my misery other than drop the whole studying oversea thing altogether. But through my journey, I've learnt not to pressure myself to be understanding becuz there are more understanding people than me, or be more independent cuz there are more independent people than me.

Everybody love their loved ones differently, you have the right to feel whatever you are feeling and do what make you feel happier so you can love him better. Pulling yourself away from him doesn't seems to make you any happier. If you feel that it really makes you feel happier, I'd be more than happy to support you on it but it seems more like running away from the problem, denying yourself to feel anything towards the problem.

I do hope this issue get resolved soon. I miss that cheerful smile of yours and I really hope you guys can have a great time this weekend and talk it out.

Take care and be happy Nat
=)

By feathers, at 8:12 PM