Yida took up a 3-day job to earn 1k. Hoping to ease the financial burden we have. I appreciated the fact that he took up this job more seriously than his fyp which i am worrying for. I have many things to worry for and i missed the calmness when i woke up everyday. Many things have stressed me up thus resulting in the relapse.

To my below paragraph, i dun expect anyone to understand. If you really do feel what i wrote, i greatly treasure the unspoken understanding. I spoke as if i am mad.

I woke up this morning knowing i have to go for a review for my eye. In the midst of my sleep last night, i woke up numermous times. Everytime i woke up, i hope it wasn't time for me to get out of the house and face something which i am not ready to. Trust me, i woke up many times. The ultimate was when my alarm clock went off. I was struggling within. It was a very hard struggle that i am literally pullinlg my hair, scratching myself again. I was half crying, half angry with myself, kicking the blanket and all like a kid who refused to get up of the bed. I feared to hear my mum coz i knew i will need to get up. I so much wanted to hide n hide.

For every relapse, u will have me under the blanket most of the time or at least my face buried. It's probably tiring for you to read that i'm scare, wanna hide and weak. You should probably be thinking you shuold be strong and all. I dun blame u. I tot that way too. It is just too hard, very hard.

Some of you can never understand this. Though i sleep, my brain dun just stop working. it went into a mode when numerous dreams just keep churning in my head. They were scary dreams that woke me up most of the time. They were indeed very scary. They have eaten up all my happiness within and filled me up with fear. Constant fear that i so much wanted Yida to sleep by my side. I am scared, really. I wish Yida could have stroke my hair till i sleep during these days. I am scared to wake up to find out i have so much more to go for this relapse. I am scare to wake up from a really scary dream. I am scare to face what is coming tomorrow.

I miss the calmness i used to wake up to. As the alarm goes off, i open my eyes, smell the fresh air outside and that just refreshes me.

There are times when i wished to outburst. But i can't at ease. That's another struggle, everytime.

I am thankful that god actually gave me a cornea ulcer to cover for my absence at work.

Labels: Relapse

Twinkling@
1/02/2008 05:24:00 PM